i am sad
but its not cuz of him . YAY
imma be emo in my post today .. sigh

i am having a .. i guess deep convo with sebastian
and it makes me sad
cuz recently ppl just keep telling me how their families are fucked up
and i feel like i can totally relate to them
i dont know what we are living for .
ive always wanted happiness
but it seems to be nowhere in sight without freedom .

i am tired of getting told that i am a retard
i am tired of getting screamed at for some little shit like wiping the table
i am tired of being scared to do this and that
i am tired of getting nagged
i am tired of not being able to have fun


sometimes i just wanna talk back
sometimes i just wanna tell you that youre a hypocrite
sometimes i just wanna tell you to stfu
sometimes i just wanna pack my shit and run out of this house
sometimes i just wanna fuck everything and get a ticket back to china

but i cant .
i remember that once i was complaining to my mom
about how my grandma was a bitch
and then i was so stressed that i started crying
and then my mom cried too

i dont want her to be sad
shes prolly the person that i care about the most in this world .
i dont think she and my dad are that close ..
i even suspected him of having affairs when i was like 11 LOLOLOLOL
and now her only child , me , is in another country ..
shes already having enough .

so i stopped complaining to her .
and i held everything in .
it hurts , but if i make her feel terrible , it would hurt more .

i remember breaking down in front of her this summer
cuz my cousin in china was a total bitch
i wanted to say shit back to her but i didnt
cuz i didnt want to make my grandma in china feel bad
i got really stressed and i cried

its been like that since forever .
other ppl are always the one doing something wrong
and i am always the one getting stressed
the one holding the pain in
cuz i dont want to make everyone feel bad
i dont want ppl i care about to be in trouble
i am always the "mature" one but i never got anything out of it .
you ppl really think that i wont fuck you up ?
when you push me out of my limits , ill have to .

i will do anything to get out of this house when i graduate high school .
i dont care what she says .
by then ill be eighteen
i will be able to do whatever i want .. hopefully .

 Connie said...

I'm confused... your mom is in China? o.o

Haha, not if I ruin you first, hun ;O

November 11, 2009 at 10:58 PM  

 Luminous Fish said...

yeshhh my mom is in china .________.

YOU CAN RUIN MY LAYOUT BUT YOU CANT RUIN MEEE ;D

November 12, 2009 at 4:07 PM  

 Nana said...

ughhhh.
it just do happens that I'm pissed while reading ur blog.
and i kinda teared. T_T

except i have money issues.

November 12, 2009 at 5:12 PM  

this is my blog .
so i am not expecting ppl to mess with it .
hateful comments are not appreciated .
click here to follow me if you love me :D
click here and go die if you hate me .
thank you very much .

saranghae jonghyun oppa♥
background music : 2am - i did wrong

- sleep early
- less procrastination
- do well on my sat 2s
- organize my room ;-;
- that monkey TT-TT

call me the fob or the pro stalker .

ppl that i love :
kim jonghyun ♥ , my mom, my moms mom, and my friends

things that i love :
shopping, money, cheesecake, k pop, chocolate chip cookies, & photoshopping

i am a hypocritical individual :
- i can be loud or shy .
- i think too much about the future but i dont give a shit about the present .
- i am very realistic yet i still want the ideals to happen .
- i laugh for the tiniest things and i cry a lot .
- i like and despise a loser that ill never get .






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